The truth shall set the Blonde Free....

For opening up my blog today, you will get to find out one of my deep, dark secrets. Don't get too excited... it's not juicy ;)
My secret is that I have panic attacks. They started almost 2 years ago after a severe reaction to an anti-depressant I had been put on to help me cope with losing my litle brother.
But the worst part is that they have gotten to the point where they control my life. I find myself not wanting to go places that are out of my "comfort zone" and I freak out when I have to commute in the rain or snow. This is a real problem for someone who has to be in class 3 days a week 50 miles away. I have missed classes because of the fact that I am simply too scared to go. Not too scared of driving or wrecking... but just of having the stress build up into a panic attack while I am on the road.
It is hard for most people to imagine living in this kind of fear. It truly, truly SUCKS. Panic attacks make you feel like you are dying. Literally. So you might be able to imagine why even the slightest possibility of having one terrifies me. That terror has caused me to go through countless preventive measures to ensure that I do not have them, including staying home when it rains just so I don't have to drive the 50 miles to Denton. I hate it and it's something I've been trying to get over for awhile now.
Well, today I feel like I took a giant leap in that direction. I had an 8 am midterm this morning, which meant backing out of class really was NOT an option. "I was going to school whether I liked it or not," I told myself in my best mommy voice. So I went through all the prepatory motions to keep my anxiety at a mimimum and set out in the nasty drizzle this morning.
I'm happy to report that I drove that 50 miles there and 50 miles back without a drop of anxiousness. I often go to God for the strength to get over these fears (or to change the weather- lol). And this morning I felt like he said "Melissa, I bring the sunshine and the rain. I'm putting you in this position for a reason. It's so that you can regain control of your life" And I feel like I did a little bit. I felt euphoric and victorious because the fear that typically grips me did not even get close to me today.
For other people, who don't think twice about travelling short or far distances and who could care less about driving in bad weather, bad traffic, etc.. this may all seem silly and crazy. But the problem is that, after a series of horrible panic attacks, it has become a real problem for me that stems much further than just being afraid to travel far distances in the rain. But today I took a big step in overcoming these obstacles, and typing it out is even more liberating. They say the truth shall set you free... Well I guess I've been freed now that all 19 of you (lol ;)) know my dirty little secret.
Have an amazing day!
Melisa

The Blonde brags about the Red Head...

So 2 nights ago, my little girl recited her first Bible verse. *Mommy swoon* We had just gotten out of the bath tub when she jumped up on the bed and said "Mama! Love is kind!"
"What?" I said, taken aback
"LOVE IS KIND!" she said, jumping around.
It was the first time she had ever recited any of her Bible verses from preschool, and it made me so happy.

Today I got to see her in action when I picked her up early from preschool (thank you, freak Texas blizzard!) and I just loved it! Not only do I LOVE being in the classroom with little kiddos, but it was so fun to see her doing her "curriculum". She loves it so much, and it makes me so happy to see her loving learning. And of course, to be learning her Bible. Well, as much as she can.. :)

This may actually be a 2-blog day because we will be going out and playing in the 6 inches of snow we've got soon. Have a great day everyone! God Bless!

Some blonde and red head memories...

And then of course our family has been through a lot of rough times as well.
Here is Abbie at our family gravesite the day after we buried Josh.

We actually buried Josh on the day of Abbie's 1st birthday. Some of our family was kind enough to go and get Abbie some Hostess cupcakes and a candle, along with some little gifts, so that she could celebrate her birthday at the reception following his funeral.

Here is Josh with Abbie. He used to often drop by just to see her and what she was doing that day

I got to thinking tonight about all that my little family has been through. Jeremy and I have been together going on just 4 short years. And yet we've been through so much. Here are a few pictures I found tonight from the first year of Abbie's life.
My favorite- Abbie and her uncle Josh.

One of the 1st times she scooted around

One of the 1st times she rolled over

Jeremy rocking Abbie to sleep when she was first born

Josh and I with our cousins



Jeremy and Abbie after she was first born- You can't really tell it here, but Jeremy looks SO young! (then again, so does Abbie ;))

the Blonde and the Red Head do wedding planning and stomach viruses

I wish this blog title was some sort of cutesy, play on words. But oh no, this is what is going on in our lives right now. Jeremy (yes, my husband of nearly 2 years) and I are in full-fledged wedding planning mode. We have never had a "formal ceremony" and the truth is... I want to wear my gorgeous princess dress darn it! :D lol. So we are trying to get all of that figured out, along with me starting my hardest semester of school ever. And to top it all off, we have had a stomach bug in the house. Abbie has puked more in the last week than she has her whole life. We went out for a nice dinner the other night, only to have it end with her spewing her guts all over me. I got to walk down the aisle of booths (truly a walk of shame) with all the other, kid-free adults looking at me and I was covered in puke. Bless her heart, she seems to have gotten over it pretty quickly. And she never complained- she was a great patient. Just couldn't keep much down for a few days. ;) She also got sick all over our bedroom, which was something new to us. But hey, I needed new pillows anyway. And apparently all of those grandmommy kisses were not such a great idea because Jeremy is currently driving home from Arlington with my poor mother... who couldn't even drive home because she was, in her words, "throwing up her toenails". Jeremy puked the other night at work, too, but the Dear Lord might have spared His favorite Garner because I have only suffered minor nausea. Just kidding about the favorite part- I'm not being blashpemous I promise :) So that's what's going on in our world. Thanks for dropping in! :D

The Man On The Side of the Road..

I was driving home from Denton yesterday when I saw an elderly man, nicely dressed, standing on the side of the road holding a sign. The sign read: "I NEED A JOB". Usually, I would just think how sad that was and start brainstorming what I could do for him. But I drove on, a little perplexed.
You see, I know this man. I've seen him at least 5 times over the last 4 years, holding similar or the same sign.
The first time I saw him around the corner from where we lived, I rushed home to copy down local job agencies for him and took it to him with a $20 bill. He hugged me, and from his voice, I could tell he was intellectually disabled.
Like I said, I've seen him many times since. Always holding the sign. Always dressed nicely, usually in a blue suit. And my heart breaks for him every time. And I always say a prayer for him.
But I wonder, too. Is there more to him than my naive mind wants to think about? Could the sweet, old man be addicted to alcohol or something else? Does he have a home? How does he travel? Why can't he find a job? If he can't find a better way to get a job, what else does he have trouble getting?
And yesterday it made me think about the fact that there are somethings in this world that I just don't and probably won't ever get. They're just beyond me, despite my natural curiosity. And obviously, I can't solve everyone's problems. But I can always say a good prayer and let someone who *does* know all take care of it.

My 2nd Holiday Season as an Only Child

I survived another holiday season without my brother. I'm not sure how I feel about that, but I did. He's been gone a year and a half now, and it's hard to say where I'm at. I think about my baby brother every day. I wish he were here constantly. I see the grief, pain, and guilt in my parents' faces all the time. And I know we don't hurt as much as we did. But I don't miss him an ounce less than I did when he first passed away. It's still too much to think about how amazing he was and what life would be like with him here. It overwhelms me and it's just too much. So I don't because there's nothing I can do about it.
I know the next few weeks are going to be a whirlwind of activity, so I'm going today to visit him. I'm going to take some time by myself, probably feed the fish at the pond he is rested next to, and just talk to my brother. I'm hoping it will center me and bring me some peace I might need over the next few weeks.
Have a blessed day,
Melissa