Crunchy what?

Go back 3 years in time. And while you're there, find me. And read me this:
Three years from now, you might be called crunchy by some. Go and find a reliable internet source and find out what "crunchy" means. Because you don't currently know.
Three years from now, you won't be afraid to breastfeed in public anymore. And you'll have a much better idea of what you're doing. And a great support group :)
You'll be craving more babies so that you can birth them naturally(and maybe even at home!). You'll know about doulas and midwifes and you'll know that you defintely want a doula for your next birth. You know, so you *don't* have to lay flat on your back and make it almost to 8 cm dialated before breaking down and getting your epidural.
You'll be craving babies to wear around in Ergos and wraps and slings. (Yes, I'm aware that you have no idea what a wrap, sling or Ergo is).
You'll be talking to your husband about what it would be like to be able to homeschool your bright and wonderful 3-year-old. You'll be wondering if the day will ever come where you'll put aside your career (and hers) in elementary education and homeschool her.
You'll have a 3 year old sleeping in your bed. Because that's where she feels safest. And that's where you let her come when she had trouble sleeping tonight. And no, you're not spoiling her. And yes, she is a well-behaved and wonderfully independent child. But nothing beats the security and peace of curling up next to mommy and knowing she's there as you drift off into slumber- and that's what you gave her tonight when she needed it.

You'll be interested in Bento lunches and Moby wraps and a dozen other things that you don't even know how to pronounce yet. You won't think that cloth diapering is something that went out of style with poodle skirts.
You'll be wondering about what the future holds and there will still be lots of question marks. But you do know that it will include wearing your breast-feeding,co-sleeping babies, cuddling them, and giving them the best life you can. You'll know that being a mother is hard. And that there are days where you yell and cry and fall asleep while on duty. You'll know that it sucks to have to run around with bags under your eyes and to drag your argumentative, shoeless toddler around with you. But you'll know that there's nowhere else, and nobody else, that you'd rather be.

P.S. I'll probably faint from the utter confusion of what you've just told me, so bring some smelling salts with you. And oh yeah, please love me enough to give me a cut of the royalties you make off your time machine. ;)

Melissa

One of the weird things I do....

My parents had a big, leather chair that sat in their living room in TN.On either side of the chair are two large pockets. Apparently it became a favorite place of my little brother's. He'd sit and enjoy some good junk food and a cold beer. The chair was packed up and moved down here when the three of them moved. And it sat in storage for months. After my brother passed away, it was eventually unpacked and put into my parent's new home in the office. One day we randomly noticed that there were still things in the pockets. Candy wrappers mostly. And a cap to a bottled beer.
That chair's been unpacked for 2 years now. It sits upstairs in front of my desk, and I love it. Tonight I emptied the pockets. If it were anything else, I'd throw all the trash away immediately.
But I'll never throw them out. Because they bring back so many memories and images. I can see my brother sitting in that chair late at night, watching TV by himself. I can see him enjoying some of his favorite candies and leaning back with a beer. I can see him watching the History Channel or even late-night cartoons. I can see him playing video games or sitting there teasing my dad.
My brother was one of the most laid-back people you'd ever meet (and, on a side note, not an incredibly healthy eater ;)) He was a typical 19 year old boy and that big comfy chair was one of his favorite places in the house. To me, that chair freezes where he was at when he passed away. As long as I can sit in that chair, I can imagine him reclining in it with me. And when I lean my head back to better focus on the work on my desk, I can see him relaxing as far back as the chair would let him go. And if I reach down into those deep pockets, I can remember what an amazing person he was.

Where am I at?

It's been 2 years and almost 3 months to the day since I lost Josh. My mom called me the night she found him lifeless in the floor. And as my neighbor drove Abbie and I over there, I prayed as hard as I've ever prayed in my life. But somehow there was this stillness inside of me saying "he's gone". And since the day he left, it's almost been like he's been gone for years. I've always kind of seen it as a coping mechanism. Because to remember what it was like to have him here hurts so much that it's usually unbearable. To go back and remember what it was like for him to come walking through my back door or to have him play with my daughter is just too much. I can't remember what it's like to be able to call him and to hear his voice... to see him sleeping in my living room or to sit down and talk with him. I lost that almost as soon as he was gone.
But sometimes I go back there and I wonder "where am I in this process?" It seems as if I've been in acceptance for so long now. And I went through my stages. I was furious. I was depressed and I was angry. But sometimes I still feel like I never got past "that" place.
I have days where I can talk about Josh's death and go to his grave and it doesn't phase me. But it's when I talk about Josh's life that this weight feels like it's pressing me down into an unbelievably deep hole. And maybe these are thoughts better saved for a counselor. But it was on my mind. I'm not sure where I'm at 27 months later. But hopefully I figure it out one day.

I've Seen Fire and I've Seen Rain....

I've seen lonely days when I could not find a friend. But I always thought that I'd see you again. A friend's FB post today reminded me of a classic James Taylor song that always makes me think of my brother. I never dreamed, at 19 years old, he'd be here one day and gone the next. After all the last few years prior to his death had brought me, I thought I was done with heartbreak. I thought, surely, I had paid my dues. But it just shows you never know. So just remember to hug and kiss and love the ones you take for granted. You never know who you might not see again.
Melissa

The Blonde reminisces...

We've all heard it said "The grass is always greener on the other side". But really, what the adage should read is "We always THINK the grass is greener on the other side" Cus that's what it means, right? If you truly understand the saying, you know the grass isn't REALLY greener.. In fact, that lush bermuda is usually just a mirage, a satan-sparked illusion that immediately turns to wilted, sticker-filled hay as soon as you jump that white-picket fence.
So why do we do it? Why do so many of us still reminisce about the past as if it was the best time in our lives? Why do we still long for things we once had? I mean, we gave them up for a reason... right? Why do we day dream about what could have been, what could be, or what's "out there" that we're missing out on?
Why do we google exes and take trips down memory lane?
I'm sure you're thinking I have an answer to all these questions, or at least a theory... But you would be wrong in that assumption. I don 't know. I don't know why some songs remind me of an ex-boyfriend. Yeah, he gave me butterflies in my stomach. But looking back, maybe I was just nauseous ;) But I could care less about someone who was so detrimental to me. So why?
No, my every day life doesn't give me butterflies all the time. It's not exciting and riveting and all the things I used to enjoy fleeting feelings of when I was youngER and single... But I wouldn't trade that crazy, roller-coaster of emotions life for the even crazier, stable life that I have now. I might give some of the responsibility and bills back... But I wouldn't change the people in my life at all. (Read: my husband hasn't ticked me off today ;))
So why do we reminisce? Why do we stare longingly at that greener grass from our toy-cluttered home? Why do we wonder "what if"? Human nature, I guess. Which makes me wonder when us humans are gonna get smarter... ;)
Have a good day,
Melissa

I am creating a new blog!!!

So I've tried my hand at a couple of blogs.. this one, a frugal wedding one, and another. At least one of them has flopped... due only to me not keeping up with it. I'd love to keep this one up and give it a new, interesting spin that would bring in more readers and keep my current followers interested :-P
But for now... I am excited about yet ANOTHER blog!!! And I feel this one will be the easiest to keep up out of all of my blogs b/c it will involved things going on every day with us! :D So coming soon.... My "Chasing the American Dream" blog will be debuting shortly! :D

I am a mother

I am a mother.
I drink a LOT of coffee. I would love to drink more alcohol, but I am often too tired. And have too much to get done.
I wear comfortable clothes. I sport a pony tail or up-do 99% of the time.
I am a mommy.
Spending way too much money at the grocery store is fun, but only if I get to do it kid-free.
I buy food, snacks, and clothes for everyone else and forget about myself.
My DVR is full of cartoons. There are about 600; the same 3 get played over and over.
I never know what to put or say when people ask what my hobbies are.
I am a mother.
I clean all the time and my house is never ready for company.
I smell poop even when it's not there.
I hear my child crying for me, even when I'm not with them.
I do not shower to use the restroom by myself.
I am a mommy.
I raise my voice often.
I am an expert on "good choices" and "bad choices".
I roll my eyes a lot.
I also get "bug eyes".. Bug eyes mean "you had better stop that NOW or BOTH of our heads are going to pop right off!" My head often feels like it could spin straight off my shoulders.
I am a mother.
I often wish that leashes and muzzles were not just appropriate for dogs.
I bask in silence when I can get it. I would absolutely pay for daily naps for my child. I would pay extra if I could take one too.
I am a mommy.
I have one of the hardest jobs and the most wonderful job in the world.
I love another person with every ounce of my being. I cherish my child every day and thank God that I get to be her mother.
I am constantly amazed at how smart, wonderful, sweet, and miraculous my child truly is.
And even if I do often wish I could give her away, muzzle her, or install a mute button in her, I am her mother.
And I wouldn't trade that title for anything.