For opening up my blog today, you will get to find out one of my deep, dark secrets. Don't get too excited... it's not juicy ;)
My secret is that I have panic attacks. They started almost 2 years ago after a severe reaction to an anti-depressant I had been put on to help me cope with losing my litle brother.
But the worst part is that they have gotten to the point where they control my life. I find myself not wanting to go places that are out of my "comfort zone" and I freak out when I have to commute in the rain or snow. This is a real problem for someone who has to be in class 3 days a week 50 miles away. I have missed classes because of the fact that I am simply too scared to go. Not too scared of driving or wrecking... but just of having the stress build up into a panic attack while I am on the road.
It is hard for most people to imagine living in this kind of fear. It truly, truly SUCKS. Panic attacks make you feel like you are dying. Literally. So you might be able to imagine why even the slightest possibility of having one terrifies me. That terror has caused me to go through countless preventive measures to ensure that I do not have them, including staying home when it rains just so I don't have to drive the 50 miles to Denton. I hate it and it's something I've been trying to get over for awhile now.
Well, today I feel like I took a giant leap in that direction. I had an 8 am midterm this morning, which meant backing out of class really was NOT an option. "I was going to school whether I liked it or not," I told myself in my best mommy voice. So I went through all the prepatory motions to keep my anxiety at a mimimum and set out in the nasty drizzle this morning.
I'm happy to report that I drove that 50 miles there and 50 miles back without a drop of anxiousness. I often go to God for the strength to get over these fears (or to change the weather- lol). And this morning I felt like he said "Melissa, I bring the sunshine and the rain. I'm putting you in this position for a reason. It's so that you can regain control of your life" And I feel like I did a little bit. I felt euphoric and victorious because the fear that typically grips me did not even get close to me today.
For other people, who don't think twice about travelling short or far distances and who could care less about driving in bad weather, bad traffic, etc.. this may all seem silly and crazy. But the problem is that, after a series of horrible panic attacks, it has become a real problem for me that stems much further than just being afraid to travel far distances in the rain. But today I took a big step in overcoming these obstacles, and typing it out is even more liberating. They say the truth shall set you free... Well I guess I've been freed now that all 19 of you (lol ;)) know my dirty little secret.
Have an amazing day!
Melisa
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