I talked to one of my old friends tonight. One of my old, old friends. We haven't spoken in at least a year or two. And my stomach lurched when she messaged me because we don't usually talk unless someone has died. And although I was actually praying that she was getting in contact with me to break news I already knew (that my first and high school boyfriend had died over the weekend), I was also terrified that she had something to add to that. And I am at my breaking point. I could not handle that. But I took a few deep breaths and answered her call.
Thank goodness, it was the news I already had (Obviously, the news itself is devastating. But I was glad to not have anything in addition to it).
And we rehashed some of the awful things we did and saw during those years in that small town that we've both since escaped. And it was obvious that these things have haunted us for years and that they still continue to do so even when we're hundreds of miles away.
But as we talked, we rejoiced more in where we've come rather than where we've been. She is successful in work and in life and is even considering going to graduate school. I am practically a soccer mom, with my "little family" (her words ;)) and my teaching aspirations.
And as we got off the phone, I realized. We're going to be all right.
In a lot of ways, we're lucky to have survived. The decisions we made were ridiculously stupid. And the people we hung around were unbelievably wrong. And yes, it sucks (excuse my language ;)) to have to hear about some of the people we once called such close friends passing away so young. But we're thankful that we've turned our lives around. And we know that that is the only thing within our control. The best we can do is to pray that God gives us the ability to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference (Yes, one of my favorite prayers and the words currently hanging in my bathroom).
Life goes up and down. Some days we have to pray much harder than other days. And others we have nothing else to cling to but the gratefulness that we made it out of something alive. But we're going to be all right.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Monday, September 13, 2010
Tonight, I blog...
Not because I have anything extra-special or any cute little anecdotes to throw out there. But just because. Because my other internet forms of communication/entertainment have worn on my last nerve and and make me feel void of morality. :-P So here I am.
And I'm feeling crummy. I feel crummy because I made the crazy decision to go to a great friend's house last night and watch the Cowboys game. And because I was up until 1 am, which is just insane for me ;)
And because I got called by a sweet teacher this morning, asking if I could substitute for her. Which I was HAPPY to do. But alas, I am cursed with the inability to barely function (much less make it past 3-4 pm) on less than 8-10 hours of sleep. And I have spent my evening at home resting and trying to pump my body full of energizing calories and minerals/vitamins to regain just a little bit of my energy.
And I say all of this to say that it makes me worry. Because one day, I *will* have more than one child. And I *will* have to go to work 5 days a week for at least 40 hours or more. And I've done all of this before, but I worry about how I'm going to hold up. And I worry about what I need to do on a daily basis to maintain my health, energy, and sanity. and I hope I'll figure it out before we are done having kids ;) ;) ;)
And, in the spirit of randomness... all of this makes me think about the incredible amount of time our society spends on nearly mindless activities, like the majority of what we use the internet for. And no, it doesn't take sleep-depriviation or a feeling of disgust over gossip websites to bring this realization about. It's just an addition to what's going on in the head of Me tonight. Because that's the only reason you ever tune into my blog, right? To know what's going on in my crazy head? ;)
Have a great night! And sign off the internet early to read a book! ;) :)
Melissa
And I'm feeling crummy. I feel crummy because I made the crazy decision to go to a great friend's house last night and watch the Cowboys game. And because I was up until 1 am, which is just insane for me ;)
And because I got called by a sweet teacher this morning, asking if I could substitute for her. Which I was HAPPY to do. But alas, I am cursed with the inability to barely function (much less make it past 3-4 pm) on less than 8-10 hours of sleep. And I have spent my evening at home resting and trying to pump my body full of energizing calories and minerals/vitamins to regain just a little bit of my energy.
And I say all of this to say that it makes me worry. Because one day, I *will* have more than one child. And I *will* have to go to work 5 days a week for at least 40 hours or more. And I've done all of this before, but I worry about how I'm going to hold up. And I worry about what I need to do on a daily basis to maintain my health, energy, and sanity. and I hope I'll figure it out before we are done having kids ;) ;) ;)
And, in the spirit of randomness... all of this makes me think about the incredible amount of time our society spends on nearly mindless activities, like the majority of what we use the internet for. And no, it doesn't take sleep-depriviation or a feeling of disgust over gossip websites to bring this realization about. It's just an addition to what's going on in the head of Me tonight. Because that's the only reason you ever tune into my blog, right? To know what's going on in my crazy head? ;)
Have a great night! And sign off the internet early to read a book! ;) :)
Melissa
Monday, September 6, 2010
Crunchy what?
Go back 3 years in time. And while you're there, find me. And read me this:
Three years from now, you might be called crunchy by some. Go and find a reliable internet source and find out what "crunchy" means. Because you don't currently know.
Three years from now, you won't be afraid to breastfeed in public anymore. And you'll have a much better idea of what you're doing. And a great support group :)
You'll be craving more babies so that you can birth them naturally(and maybe even at home!). You'll know about doulas and midwifes and you'll know that you defintely want a doula for your next birth. You know, so you *don't* have to lay flat on your back and make it almost to 8 cm dialated before breaking down and getting your epidural.
You'll be craving babies to wear around in Ergos and wraps and slings. (Yes, I'm aware that you have no idea what a wrap, sling or Ergo is).
You'll be talking to your husband about what it would be like to be able to homeschool your bright and wonderful 3-year-old. You'll be wondering if the day will ever come where you'll put aside your career (and hers) in elementary education and homeschool her.
You'll have a 3 year old sleeping in your bed. Because that's where she feels safest. And that's where you let her come when she had trouble sleeping tonight. And no, you're not spoiling her. And yes, she is a well-behaved and wonderfully independent child. But nothing beats the security and peace of curling up next to mommy and knowing she's there as you drift off into slumber- and that's what you gave her tonight when she needed it.
You'll be interested in Bento lunches and Moby wraps and a dozen other things that you don't even know how to pronounce yet. You won't think that cloth diapering is something that went out of style with poodle skirts.
You'll be wondering about what the future holds and there will still be lots of question marks. But you do know that it will include wearing your breast-feeding,co-sleeping babies, cuddling them, and giving them the best life you can. You'll know that being a mother is hard. And that there are days where you yell and cry and fall asleep while on duty. You'll know that it sucks to have to run around with bags under your eyes and to drag your argumentative, shoeless toddler around with you. But you'll know that there's nowhere else, and nobody else, that you'd rather be.
P.S. I'll probably faint from the utter confusion of what you've just told me, so bring some smelling salts with you. And oh yeah, please love me enough to give me a cut of the royalties you make off your time machine. ;)
Melissa
Three years from now, you might be called crunchy by some. Go and find a reliable internet source and find out what "crunchy" means. Because you don't currently know.
Three years from now, you won't be afraid to breastfeed in public anymore. And you'll have a much better idea of what you're doing. And a great support group :)
You'll be craving more babies so that you can birth them naturally(and maybe even at home!). You'll know about doulas and midwifes and you'll know that you defintely want a doula for your next birth. You know, so you *don't* have to lay flat on your back and make it almost to 8 cm dialated before breaking down and getting your epidural.
You'll be craving babies to wear around in Ergos and wraps and slings. (Yes, I'm aware that you have no idea what a wrap, sling or Ergo is).
You'll be talking to your husband about what it would be like to be able to homeschool your bright and wonderful 3-year-old. You'll be wondering if the day will ever come where you'll put aside your career (and hers) in elementary education and homeschool her.
You'll have a 3 year old sleeping in your bed. Because that's where she feels safest. And that's where you let her come when she had trouble sleeping tonight. And no, you're not spoiling her. And yes, she is a well-behaved and wonderfully independent child. But nothing beats the security and peace of curling up next to mommy and knowing she's there as you drift off into slumber- and that's what you gave her tonight when she needed it.
You'll be interested in Bento lunches and Moby wraps and a dozen other things that you don't even know how to pronounce yet. You won't think that cloth diapering is something that went out of style with poodle skirts.
You'll be wondering about what the future holds and there will still be lots of question marks. But you do know that it will include wearing your breast-feeding,co-sleeping babies, cuddling them, and giving them the best life you can. You'll know that being a mother is hard. And that there are days where you yell and cry and fall asleep while on duty. You'll know that it sucks to have to run around with bags under your eyes and to drag your argumentative, shoeless toddler around with you. But you'll know that there's nowhere else, and nobody else, that you'd rather be.
P.S. I'll probably faint from the utter confusion of what you've just told me, so bring some smelling salts with you. And oh yeah, please love me enough to give me a cut of the royalties you make off your time machine. ;)
Melissa
Thursday, September 2, 2010
One of the weird things I do....
My parents had a big, leather chair that sat in their living room in TN.On either side of the chair are two large pockets. Apparently it became a favorite place of my little brother's. He'd sit and enjoy some good junk food and a cold beer. The chair was packed up and moved down here when the three of them moved. And it sat in storage for months. After my brother passed away, it was eventually unpacked and put into my parent's new home in the office. One day we randomly noticed that there were still things in the pockets. Candy wrappers mostly. And a cap to a bottled beer.
That chair's been unpacked for 2 years now. It sits upstairs in front of my desk, and I love it. Tonight I emptied the pockets. If it were anything else, I'd throw all the trash away immediately.
But I'll never throw them out. Because they bring back so many memories and images. I can see my brother sitting in that chair late at night, watching TV by himself. I can see him enjoying some of his favorite candies and leaning back with a beer. I can see him watching the History Channel or even late-night cartoons. I can see him playing video games or sitting there teasing my dad.
My brother was one of the most laid-back people you'd ever meet (and, on a side note, not an incredibly healthy eater ;)) He was a typical 19 year old boy and that big comfy chair was one of his favorite places in the house. To me, that chair freezes where he was at when he passed away. As long as I can sit in that chair, I can imagine him reclining in it with me. And when I lean my head back to better focus on the work on my desk, I can see him relaxing as far back as the chair would let him go. And if I reach down into those deep pockets, I can remember what an amazing person he was.
That chair's been unpacked for 2 years now. It sits upstairs in front of my desk, and I love it. Tonight I emptied the pockets. If it were anything else, I'd throw all the trash away immediately.
But I'll never throw them out. Because they bring back so many memories and images. I can see my brother sitting in that chair late at night, watching TV by himself. I can see him enjoying some of his favorite candies and leaning back with a beer. I can see him watching the History Channel or even late-night cartoons. I can see him playing video games or sitting there teasing my dad.
My brother was one of the most laid-back people you'd ever meet (and, on a side note, not an incredibly healthy eater ;)) He was a typical 19 year old boy and that big comfy chair was one of his favorite places in the house. To me, that chair freezes where he was at when he passed away. As long as I can sit in that chair, I can imagine him reclining in it with me. And when I lean my head back to better focus on the work on my desk, I can see him relaxing as far back as the chair would let him go. And if I reach down into those deep pockets, I can remember what an amazing person he was.
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